Susan's Musings

Stop Thinking Like a Girl

I love girls. Not only am I one, but I have six daughters and four granddaughters. My best friends (with the exception of my husband) are women. You get the idea. My female family and friends are smart and talented. Many of them are politically involved, but I would say that it is to everyone’s benefit that they vote like men. What do I mean?

Many years ago, a popular Los Angeles radio personality we knew, regularly decried the inhumanity of the death penalty. Her views changed overnight when a friend of hers was raped and murdered. I happen to think that society benefits from having a death penalty (though I think that at present America’s legal system renders it unfair and ineffectual) but I was still disappointed that the broadcaster altered her views even to ones that aligned more closely with my own. While it is true that sometimes events occur which lead to a complete change in thinking, I don’t think that is what happened in this case.  Rather, emotions temporarily overwhelmed the radio host, which is completely understandable but a poor way to run a society.

As social studies replaced civics in school curricula, more than a name change occurred. In a slow, inexorable process, learning how to be an educated and good citizen was no longer primary. A people-focused curriculum substituted for knowledge of the Constitution, an analysis of history, and measured study. Snapshots of individuals and moments in history supplanted a broad overview. No longer was one trained to see that today’s decisions often have serious unintended ramifications years later. The underlying convictions which made America a great republic were ignored and instead the idea of unrestrained democracy took precedence.

As part of this change, emotions rather than thought often mandated political decisions.  Though it is politically incorrect to use this phraseology, one might say that we began teaching students of both genders to “think like a girl.” What does this mean? Thinking like a girl has nothing to do with I.Q.; it has everything to do with one’s primary method of filtering information. Men tend to place a higher value on rational and intellectual thought while women tend to be more easily influenced by an emotional component.  At different times and places, both men and women use, and should use, both modes of thinking. When it comes to public policy, rational analysis and penetrating discernment need to be elevated.

One of the reasons that societies flourish when men and women interact is because a society that is overly masculine ultimately becomes cruel and violent while a society that is overly feminine becomes weak and ineffective. Masculine socialist regimes such as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union were places where previously civilized people could murder an infant or torture a child, not in anger but because they believed it was the right thing to do. All feminine qualities of compassion were quashed. Too often, however, these societies come into being after an overabundance of feminine thinking, by both men and women, causes society to deteriorate. As people base their decisions by thinking in the moment and in the vague world of good intentions rather than having a long-term and realistic view, the society loses its rudder. It abandons a rigid measuring stick as to what is right and what is wrong, betrays justice by “compassionately” favoring some people more than others, and corrupts its money in a vain attempt to be “fair.” As that civilization inevitably crumbles; violence, unemployment and lawlessness increase. People then turn to government as their protector. While government may cater to feminine thinking by speaking  in platitudes of caring, it ends up amassing tremendous power in the hands of a few. The final result is an unhealthy overly masculine and cruel society.

The entire movement towards sound bites rather than policy statements; to one minute advertisements rather than articulated positions;  to demeaning debates which reward  glib and attention getting rhetoric encourages “thinking like a girl” among candidates, politicians and citizens.

I’m not advocating testosterone testing before voting, but I would have more confidence in the future of civilization if the political system showed fewer signs of estrogen poisoning.  Meanwhile, I wonder if there is a candidate among the Republican cadre for whom conservative principles are a touchstone and who can also articulate them in ways that can reach an America which has been trained to think more emotionally than cognitively.   The last thing we need is a president, either male or female, who “thinks like a girl.” But he or she will certainly need to know how to woo one.

 

 

Virtual Baking

 It is easy to feel out of it when I don’t recognize the stars gracing the magazine covers in the supermarket check-out line. It is easy to feel like a recent immigrant from another planet when I still prefer to receive my news from a print newspaper rather than online or from the host of a comedy show.

 One more trend that I simply do not understand is people spending real money to buy virtual gifts online. But in an effort to move with the times, I have decided to do virtual holiday cooking for this year’s Jewish high holy days.

 I don’t know whether I am actually busier than I have ever been, but I think I can do two of the following three things:  getting my daughter’s wedding invitations out before the actual wedding date; preparing for October’s presentation of Holy Hebrew! before standing up to teach it in Dallas; or cooking my annual batch of mandlen in time to mail it to far-flung children. Guess which item is being dropped?

Since my eldest two girls spent their first Rosh HaShanah (Jewish New Year) away from home, I have baked these traditional soup nuts (which bear no resemblance to their supermarket counterparts) and shipped them to whichever children who would not be joining us in person for holiday meals. At this point with sons-in-law and grandchildren expanding the ranks, the necessary quantity has increased while my cooking time has shrunk.

 Modernity to the rescue! There is no longer a need to purchase ingredients and spend time kneading the dough and pre-heating the oil. No longer do I need to find packing containers or stand in line at the post office. All I need is a tech-savvy ten year old and I am able to send virtual mandlen not only to my children but to thousands of my closest friends.

 So, it is with great relief that I cross one item off my to-do list which, quite frankly, gives me a fighting chance of meeting the other deadlines. Unfortunately, I know that it’s a cop-out and that the love and family tradition which the mandlen represent don’t easily fly through cyberspace. I’m going to optimistically pencil mandlen baking in before Sukkot (Feast of Tabernacles) but, for starters, I’ll add a prayer to my Rosh HaShana entreaties for another mandlen baking opportunity next year.

 

Religious Discrimination?

A few people who read that my son and his classmates were going to be penalized in their medical school grades for missing so many days while fully observing the fall Jewish holidays, wrote me that they saw this as religious discrimination.  I disagree.

As a mother, I was certainly unhappy to hear that my son’s hard work was going to be automatically downgraded, but I am intensely wary of throwing around the “D” word. Our society’s movement from being one of obligations and gratitude towards a culture built on rights and entitlements has gone hand in hand with an increase in litigious behavior. The word “discrimination” has become a loaded gun, and one which in my mind often blows up in the face of those who wield it.  Certainly, a society needs a legal system to thrive, but I believe that as more laws trying to combat discrimination get put on the books, one consequence is the shattering of human relationships replaced by an increase in suspicion and hostility.

We can (and have) outlawed employer’s asking all sorts of questions or refusing to hire someone based on all sorts of criteria, but do we honestly think that those laws don’t come with a price? I know too many truly unprejudiced people who hired an employee and then were blindsided when the new hire proved incompetent or worse. They found that because the employee fit into a “protected” group firing that person was an expensive, legal nightmare.  Among other things, can we truly proclaim that our minority youth unemployment rate is divorced from the speed with which the legal and media communities exploit the words “bigotry” and “discrimination”?

There was a time through much of the twentieth century when Jews were frequently excluded from jobs and schools solely because of being Jewish, as determined by their having Jewish names or appearances. This discrimination (in this case a proper use of the word) ended as people got to know their Jewish neighbors. If your child was sick were you not going to use the Jewish doctor with the excellent reputation and wonderful bedside manner? And having come to love him would you agitate for his son to be excluded from your alma mater? Would you rather see your business do less well than your competitor’s by refusing to hire the Jewish CPA? Would you rather remain unemployed than take a job in a Jewish-owned company? Were you really going to insist on not hiring your neighbor and friend?  Like many other immigrant and minority groups, through hard work and good citizenship, that prejudice diminished as Jews gained a reputation and established relationships.

What does this have to do with my son today? A small minority of America’s Jewish population today adheres to Jewish law regarding things like Sabbath and holiday observances and kosher food. For those of us who believe that God spoke to Moses on Sinai, giving him rules by which the Jewish people should live and that those rules were faithfully handed down through the generations, it is a privilege to be part of that chain of transmission.

As part of that choice we know that certain activities, ranging from community baseball leagues with practices on Saturday to local youth drama groups with performances on Friday night are ones in which we, and our children, cannot participate. We cannot ignore the Sabbath and holidays any more than we can run into the neighborhood (unkosher) fast food restaurant.  But in a free society, such as America, that is a voluntary choice we make and as with all choices, we need to accept the consequences.

Whether attending college or professional school or working, we know that needing to be home by 4 p.m. on winter Friday afternoons for the Sabbath (whose beginning is connected to sunset) or not being able to work on Saturday no matter how urgent the business emergency, will most likely be alien to the culture of most schools and offices. We recognize that it is not necessarily discriminatory if those in positions of responsibility don’t automatically concede, “No problem. Of course I’ll change my expectations to make things work for you.”  There are four ways for Jews to deal with this. The first is to establish one’s own businesses and schools, which partially explains Jewish entrepreneurship in the last century but does have its limitations. The second way is to enclose ourselves in a secluded enclave, studying and working only within the confines of the Orthodox Jewish community. The third is to bring lawsuits or otherwise try to bludgeon others to accommodate us. (That method means that we must demand the same accommodations for members of all other religious groups as well, whose unintended consequences in my mind will lead to a lessening of America’s Christian nature and her subsequently being a less hospitable place for Jews.) The last method is to earn respect and forge relationships, refusing to see ourselves as victims.

The Jewish students in my son’s class who don’t observe the holy days and will be attending class rather than synagogue used words like, “discrimination” and “offended.” However, the six religious students whose grades were to be impacted were disappointed but accepting. They appreciate the overtures the school has made to them, for example going out of their way to provide kosher food at functions, and see the reality of lower grades simply as a willing price they pay for their loyalty to God’s commandments. They each could have chosen to go to medical school in Israel and instead chose to attend this particular school in America.

They responded to the news that class attendance was mandatory and a major part of the grading by accepting that they would have to work twice as hard to do as well as their classmates. They also decided to send a polite letter to the administration clarifying what their religious obligations were. They understood that since the members of the administration probably all had Jewish friends who were adamant about their Jewish identity at the same time as they ate pork, worked on the Sabbath and treated the Jewish holidays as little more than nice times for family get-togethers with perhaps an optional appearance at synagogue, those in charge might understandably be confused by the religious students’ position.

As it turned out, as they were composing this letter, they received an email informing them that the administration was considering changing their position. What happened? I don’t know for sure, but my guess is that someone in the administration spoke about the issue with a Jewish friend or colleague who explained the students’ stance. Since the attendance policy was not implemented as a tool of prejudice and no defensive front was erected as happens when one is accused of being a bigot, the issue is being resolved without threats and with harmony, each side respectful of and appreciating the other.  Which leaves this Jewish mother proud of her son and grateful for living in this wonderful country.

Fair - or Not?

Fall brings with it lots of lovely activities: apple picking, jumping in piles of leaves and, if you live in the Pacific Northwest, the Puyallup Fair. If you know how to pronounce ‘Puyallup,’ you have probably been to this fair which has been a September highlight for our family for the past twenty years.

Ten years ago, just after 9/11, fair attendance was down as dizzying rides, sugar-laden food and down-home entertainment were incompatible with the mourning, confusion and rage gripping the country. I imagine that just as couples shied away from September 11, 2002 wedding dates, the Puyallup Fair on that day in 2002 also had lower than normal attendance rates.  I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that year by year attendance picked up as people squirmed less at picking September 11^th for fun activities. Emotions become less raw as time goes by.

But, as high school reunion organizers know, tenth anniversaries resonate. What will happen this Sunday, September 11, 2011?  For obvious reasons, Sunday is a prime fair-going day. All across America, people will be making decisions as to whether it is unseemly or not to treat the day like any other, or what that even means. While I have many days on which I can choose to attend the fair, I am not even sure what I would say if someone asked my advice as to whether they should go on Sunday or not. The biggest impact of not going might be to harm the finances of vendors – including those with family serving in the military – whose income depends on weekend crowds.   

It is easier when the choice is made for us, isn’t it? This fall, my son and a few of his classmates in medical school have been informed that their grades are going to be negatively impacted by the absences they will accumulate over the upcoming Jewish holidays. This will not change their behavior; God’s directions on how to observe those festivals (which preclude being in school) are commands, not suggestions. They will accept the lower grades and I think their future patients will benefit from being treated by men and women of firm conviction. There is clarity when God is involved.

But it would be completely inappropriate for there to be a ‘command from on high’ from the government on how to commemorate the anniversary of September 11^th. As the years pass and fewer people are able to answer the question, “Where were you when you heard the news?” the date will move into history as December 7^th has.

 However, this year, most of us not only still remember, but can still resurrect the feelings of horror which overwhelmed us in 2001. The pain of the widows and orphans, parents and friends, and of the whole nation is still fresh and indeed, unlike ten years after Pearl Harbor, we have not yet defeated the enemy. How should we behave this Sunday? What will you be doing?